Letter to Scamster Sisters and Brothers

Dear Scamster Sisters (Shreya/Shireen/Shalini with oh-so-sweet, dripping-with-honey, dulcet voice) and Brothers (Schemer, Slickster, Swindler, Skinner, Shark, Smoothie, Spammer, Sneaker, et al),

I hope you are doing well in your job and earning a decent income from your hard work that involves much intelligence, tact, and fast response. As a self-employed person, you fully deserve my respect, and I compliment you for your extraordinary entrepreneurship. Should the sarkar count you among the employed, the percentage of employment in the country would go up significantly, and take the wind out of the prejudiced criticism by the Opposition.

This letter is an advisory specifically for tomorrow, and a suggested protocol for our future interactions. Please consider the following:

·      Tomorrow is Magha Krishna Amavasya, Saka 1945 (February 9, 2024), aka Mouni Amavasya; and after a purificatory bath before dawn, I will perform mouna vrat for 24 hours beginning at 6.00 AM, in the Nyepi style of Balinese Hindus which mandates ‘No Speech, No Work, No Entertainment; only Contemplation of the Divine.’ Therefore, please refrain from calls, messages, and emails, since I’ll stay away from my phone and laptop as well. Should you be curious about how Hinduism reached Bali or where Bali is, I would love to share further details.

·      Sharing some basic information, and a few suggestions which may be useful for our future interactions (Calls, messages, email):

o  My pension has NOT been stopped. Pension Seva and my Bank send me a message as soon as the amount is credited to my account.

o  My Credit/Debit card has NOT been blocked. In fact, I stopped using Credit/Debit card after I attended a Talk by a Cyber Police Chief who revealed that only in about 2% cases of bank and card fraud the money-trail is traced and the amount recovered.

o  Do NOT claim to be Branch Manager of the Bank branch where I have my account. I’ve saved his name and number!

o  My mobile number bill is paid before due date, and there is no risk of it getting blocked in the ‘next 6 hours’. In fact, the number at which you call me is my secondary and spare number to which no bank account or payment app is linked. I have another personal number, known only to my spouse, and I’m NOT sharing that number with you!

    Please note that I do NOT pick up calls for which True Caller flashes Spam Red Alert; therefore, use only brand new sim cards to call me.  

o  No LIC payment is due to me in near future.

o  I buy NO lottery – offline or online, play NO gambling games online; and RBI does NOT require me to transmit a certain amount to a bank account in Nigeria to claim my lottery/prize.

o  None of my near and dear ones live abroad, nor is any currently on a foreign trip; so send no messages that one or more of them are in unforeseen financial distress needing a substantial and immediate Dollar, Pound, or Euro remittance.

o  Please do NOT be upset when I ask several stupid questions like – Who are you? Why are you calling me? etc. even after you began the call by clearly mentioning that YOU are MY Branch Manager, or from P.S. Dept of Govt.

o  Please assign only 'Officers' well-trained in polite and civilized conversation to call me in deference to my age, and not the 12th Fail green-horn who recently spewed out a string of unprintable expletives in a certain dialect of Hindi as soon as I asked my second question about his credentials.

I have many more thoughts to share with you, but I guess you might be getting rather impatient, and a little tense and upset for not achieving your target today. Next time charming Shireen calls, I will keep my note ready for a long, leisurely, and pleasant chat with her.

With Best Wishes for Mouni Amavasya, an auspicious day when pious activities please the ancestors and remove Pitru Dosh!

Sincerely Yours,

(A Favourite Target)

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